- December 1
- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
- December 2
- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
- December 3
- Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
- December 4
- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
- December 5
- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
- December 6
- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
- December 7
- Debug Windows '95
- December 10
- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
- December 11
- Lay Faberge egg.
- December 12
- Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
- December 13
- Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
- December 14
- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
- December 15
- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
- December 17
- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
- December 19
- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
- December 20
- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
- December 21
- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
- December 22
- Float votive candles in toilet tank.
- December 23
- Seed clouds for white Christmas.
- December 24
- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
- December 25
- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
- December 26
- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
- December 27
- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
- December 31
- New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
